Doing everything wrong, the right way.

I'm not sure where to start except that fall has officially set in and as usual with my musings, a change of season breeds a change of heart. Looking out of my balcony a couple evenings ago, the wind blew in as it does in winter and the coldness had a different feel than just weather. The entire summer, I've been operating on this strange, superficial level that has left me empty. Trying to find things in life that I thought I would find by now, embarrassed for myself and realized I wanted all the right things -- but have been going about them completely the wrong way.

Certain aspects of my life seem fulfilled, yet at times I look from the outside and wonder if it's the right path. My daydreams increasingly elaborate, lately taken the form of the show, "The Tudors" a fantasy show deeply embedded in the illusion of a life that is exciting and exotic. I draw myself in and find it hard to emerge, only to turn it off feeling disappointed I wasn't alive then instead of now. I admire the complex simplicity and yearn for that in my own life -- excitement, love, passion, intrigue. All things that if we had on a daily basis, would leave us exhausted and unable to be part of the real world. I feel in need of a healthy dose of that...probably a direct cause of my summer (mis)adventures. It's like this need that has yet to be met, a need I wonder if will ever get filled. Please happen soon, because I'm not sure if I'll really be able to function much more without creating my own ill advised stimulations.