It all comes to this edge, and you find yourself standing there and wondering if you walk back and deal...or if you jump off (metaphorically) and try to leave it all behind. You know when you crash though, all the stuff you were trying to jump away from...will just by the sheer force of gravity come right after you off that cliff and make it more painful. It never works how you want it to, it never goes as you planned and it certainly doesn't make sense to try and figure out what or if you did anything wrong.
It's like I've been trapped in this infinite circle of things like a hurricane in my mind, no time to pause, routines distracted and feeling guilty for feeling selfish. Feeling selfish makes me feel bad, feeling bad makes me want to change...but not sure what to change. Just when I think things are settling down, I find myself wrapped up in things long ago -- things that I have no business thinking about. Past mistakes, doubts, worries that have no business being anywhere in my brain space because I thought they were gone long ago.
I look around at my life...my nice apartment, my nice job, my nice friends and how my grass must seem so much greener? In my eyes it's grey sometimes and the urge to take a giant bucket of red paint and spill it all over the white carpet overcomes me. But, of course I would be frantic to clean it up and I know, what's the point?
Shake it up, yeah, only on the weekends. Change my world, only when convenient.
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